I thank God Mike and I found each other. That is nothing short of God circumventing our own stupidity at 19, and 21 years old. I wanted to marry someone like my Father. And NOT a fireman or policeman. I only had 2 ‘no’s in the whole world. I just couldn’t handle the thought of loosing my mate to a job. But I want others to. Just not mine. How kind of me, eh?

I met Mike… ehem. In Bible School. I got my MRS. at Bible School. I’m so ashamed. But how could I not? He was perfect. See:

Mike knows stuff like the Black Watch. Only my Dad knew that! It must have been God. Naturally, I hounded him. But not outright. The GUY had to ask the GIRL out. You know, the Christian way. And he did. Eventually.

And life has been a bowl of cherries since then. You know that feeling when you unsuspectingly chomp down on a cherry pit? Yeah. That one. It was the most difficult, tumultuous, emotional year of my life. 20 years old, man! Barely out of diapers. Definitely not out of the Christian bubble. Yet.

But you know what? We are still together. And you’ve NO idea how many times we both had legitimate causes for divorce. Truly. If you suffer in your marriage. I understand!

Why did mine turn out? I don’t know. What do I look like - Grandma? THEN I’ll know everything. RIght now I do know one thing that helped me:

~my Christian faith at home ~

I can’t remember many of the Sunday Schools or churches that I went to. Although we went for years and years to the same one - until we moved to a different city. But I remember stuff taught to me at home, at Christian High School, and Bible School. I had to memorize verses like crazy. Torture, right? Apparently when they said, “It’ll come back to you at the right time” they weren’t just playing us!

Now, I don’t want you to think I had a rosey childhood. I most certainly did have it better than most. But there were issues in our family. Let me tell you! But I won’t. My parents were first generation Christians in both of their families - of- origin. Further up the tree is a sad, sad history of mental illness and alcoholism. Some of you will know what carries down to the children from that kind of environment.

Without my upbringing, I wonder if I would have had that nagging feeling bringing me back to church? Even in the midst of my sin, I knew I would have to reconcile whether or not I was with God or against. Especially before I drew other people into my sin. I cared about them a whole lot more than I did myself.

I wonder if I would have been able to ask for help in the darkest days of depression? When I knew in my heart that God made me and I was alive. I just didn’t know why. But I knew that there was a reason.

I wonder if I would have been able to believe, after an intense fight with God over the loss of a friend’s child? That was the time, I gave up being “submissive”. I wanted answers. Forget all the Christian platitudes. How dare He! An innocent baby. Killed during birth. It still makes me angry. I still don’t understand. And I could write a book on what I’ve learned about God since then.

I wonder right now, how to come back after some tragic events of two years ago. I know God is there. I know where to find comfort. I don’t know how to resolve some stuff right now. But I’m okay with that for today. I have a strong foundation in my heart of belief. Nothing - not even my own stubborness and stupidity - can separate me from God, my Friend, my Savior. I’m so thankful.

Find more Thankful Thursday posts here.

Or you can view more blasts’ from the past at Sincerely ‘fro Me to You. And this week Kirsten is LOL FUNNY! Not that she isn’t every day or anything.

There is so much I want to share, but I will have to get my daughter’s permission first (She turns 8 on Tuesday!) But here’s the short of it - we had a spat today. I’ll write more later after I think about it. She seems to be at that age where she doesn’t want her friends to know that she gets in trouble, nope. not her. Apparently, that’s embarrassing, Mom! okey dokey.

But she was so sweet when we worked it out together. And I think we really turned a corner in our relationship. And I want her to remember some of these sweet moments that we have together. And part of this blog is so that she will have these memories and thoughts of her mother. But maybe not for the world to know… because *gulp* her friends might find out she got in trouble.

Anyhoo, another thing - church today was very interesting. Now, if you happened on my blog, and you wouldn’t say that you’re a Christian, hang tight with me a moment here. You may agree with what I’m going to describe. Our Pastor today was doing a critique of the church. Yup. No kidding - a critique. And it wasn’t too shocking what he said. Stuff like: as Christians we are known more for what we take away from our lives, than from what we add to our lives. But did you know, that in recent research into the image of Christianity in North America (maybe this is different elsewhere…) that over 80% of Canadians & Americans would call themselves Christian? But most people think that if they were to become an acting Christian, it would make their lives a little worse!!!

Did you get that? Instead of portraying the security and abundance that we have in Christ, we are somehow portraying that to become a Christian would make their lives WORSE!!! Now, from my experience in life (I’m 34, with the wisdom of a 60 year old though), this rings very true. To become a Christian seems like this:

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Galatians 5:24”

• fire insurance (although I probably don’t believe in REAL fire)
• I’d have to loose all the “bad habits” ie: drinking, dancing, swearing, overall fun-having
• becoming ‘the Jones’s’ - single detached home, stay-at-home mom, working dad, 2.5 children. Grass at 4 cm
• become all religious, preachy, and intolerant of homosexuals
• And I would have to mold myself to fit in

How many tattoo-clad, biker people, misbehaving children, and homeless addicts have you seen lately in church? That may seem extreme because that’s not my church’s mission field, but who would stand out in YOUR church? The one with the suit, or without? The one with long hair, or no hair? Disheveled clothes, or designer duds? Face it: we all have a look.

Okay, would you really want that?

So I just have to wonder, what do I look like to others seeing my life as a “Christian”? And when you come into my house, and see my stickies with verses on them, and all my Christian books, you can’t escape the fact that I’d call myself spiritual. If we don’t have a good “Christian” image, should we hide? I don’t believe we can answer that question truthfully until we know if we are a “good Christian.” Here’s how to know:

• Do you sin?
  

  Matthew 9:12 says: On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’^[a] For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

• Do you want to fill that emptiness deep inside? Try praying as this father did in Mark 9:23:
  

  “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

• Have you made a decision to surrender?
  

  Matthew 11:28-29: Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls.

• Do you desire to or attempt to or want to continually obey our Creator’s Handbook for the abundant life?
  

  Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God [the Bible] is full of living power. It is sharper than the sharpest knife cutting deep into our innermost thoughts and desires. It exposes us for what we really are. Nothing in all creation can hide from him. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes. This is the God to whom we must explain all that we have done. That is why we have a high Priest who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of God. Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same temptations we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy [forgiveness], and we will find grace [gifts that help us and that we don't deserve]to help us when we need it.
  

Did you notice that the writer is not assuming that we will then have the perfect Christ-image? We will need grace and mercy! We will face temptation. And we will fail sometimes. Only Jesus remained true in the face of our deepest fears and temptations. Our God is gracious! That’s why we’re Christians! We NEED that grace and mercy. He gives us the chance that we so desire. And then when we screw it up, he gives us another chance. And then when we screw up He gives us another chance. And then when we screw up He gives us another chance. Do you hear this? THIS is what God is about. Not so much about ME and my Christianity, but about Him.

Don’t you think that Christianity would have a better “image” if we were all a little more authentic in our struggle to believe? Our struggles with temptation and authenticity? Our fears and our moments of faith?
Does it reflect poorly on our faith if we have our days, moments, or years of unbelief? Or is it all this pretending to be godly that gets us in trouble.

Christianity either works or it doesn’t. It works and transforms life so that we at least sometimes, can be authentic. Or it doesn’t work, and why are we bothering to carry-on the facade?

There is so much more I want to explore on that last question.  I will think about that some more and write some of my thoughts later this week.

This morning I spent most of the morning ‘in the moment’ just enjoying my girls.  They are changing and growing so quickly.  Here’s what’s new:

It now breaks Megan’s heart and tortures her soul (and she verbalizes this quite well) when we don’t bend to her beck and call.  (Come to think of it, she’s always been the expressive type).  Haley’s really growing in her maturity.  She’s still so responsible and earnestly seeking to be a ‘good girl’.  We praise her endlessly, and yet it seems she still has so much hesitation about herself.  It breaks my heart, but we can only do what we can do.  So I put one foot in front of the other and keep learning and  trying to guide her well.

After school yesterday, Megan marches over to Haley, and in a very demanding fashion, points to the closed crayon box.  “OPEN!”

Haley, ever so calmly, replies, “If you don’t speak nicely to Haley, Haley’s not going to help you.”  And she goes back to her colouring!  (I have no idea where the calmness came from!)

And Megan has a loud aneurysm.  All her muscles stop working and her body becomes a remarkably small pile on the floor.  Voice box works fine though.  Lungs are good.  My hearing on the other hand…

And Haley just sits there remaining calm!  I was soooo proud of her!

Megan recovers from this insulting display of maturity on Haley’s part and tattles on her, “Haley said NO!!!  Waaa, waaa, waaa.”  Apparently this is news to me.  And I must do something to rectify the situation.

How she ever recovered from that to move on to another tragedy in half an hour is beyond me.  How I ever made it to supper time (when my personal hero comes home from work), is also completely beyond me.

Last night we were talking, and it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I need God’s help to get through the day.  My girls are so precious, and so often they are such a mystery to me.

This morning I’ve restricted my design time to approx. 1/2 hour, and spent the rest of the time interacting with the children.  Note - I did not say PLAYING with the children.  Me - I’m not a player.  Just not a fun mommy.  And I’m okay with that.  In fact, they are okay with that too. 

I pray most days that God would give me the “Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.“  And last night I was trying to accept things, although ’serene’ isn’t the word that comes to mind.  This morning, I knew that I would need God’s help to watch these two girls while Haley’s at school.  And I need divine intervention to have the courage to change my behavior - to stay present and interacting with them.  I prayed that prayer - give me courage to change! And I did the okay thing - I spent several hours with them this morning. No big deal, right?  WRONG.

God actually answered my prayer: I left my normal morning routine, and did the right thing.  For me, that is no small thing.  That is a God-thing.   And I know I would never have done that yesterday.  It is a God thing that I had enough courage to drag myself away from distraction and stay present in the moment.  I thank Him so much for giving me the courage to change today.

I am also thankful for this weakness of mine; I wouldn’t have recognized God’s hand in my morning if it wasn’t for my firm grasp on my weaknesses and the desperate situation that I am in.  In fact, before I became ill, (or self-aware as the case may be) I would attribute my good days to my good habits, my good upbringing, good character, and my honest hard work.  As I didn’t attribute being sick to God, I didn’t attribute the good things either.

I am so grateful that I don’t have to live my life in the hole that I’ve dug for myself.  Don’t get me wrong - I’m not just miraculously healed - but I can live above my stuff.  I can have contentment, and sometimes I really do!

I really, really need God in my life.  And the most amazing thing is that He’s okay with that.  He doesn’t mind being my Rescuer, my Rock, my Redeemer.

My dear, dear, Savior.  Thank you.

****UPDATE***** The blogging community is nicer than I thought! I posted this a couple days after I found out of Wendi’s loss. And some of her other blogging buddies created this sweet band from A March of Dimes. It is an organization that funds the research for preventing premature birth and miscarriages. If you are so inclined, you can head over there and make a little (or big) donation. Isn’t this just the greatest community of Moms?

My socks are just blessed right off right now!

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mommies who are reading this right now,

There is another of us, another Mommy, who I’ve spoken of before. Her button - [Everyday Miracles] is in my sidebar. She posts very honestly, sometimes it is raw and emotional. And sometimes it is shining like sunshine into my heart. I think it is in Timothy, in the Bible where it talks about women holding each other. Teaching each other. Mentoring. Sharing our faith. Being THERE. Now, I know this is bloggie world. And I’m just learning what that means to me exactly. On some levels I feel weird caring THIS much for a woman I’ve never met. On so many more levels, I feel so blessed to have known her even this little bit. I only know her from her posts. Those things she writes about. Those things she is willing to share with the public. Here’s an excerpt:

My fingers are shaking a bit as I begin what I know will be a hard post to write. Today in the very same ultra sound room where I found out all was not well with my first pregnancy I, once again, received news I didn’t want to hear.

This is how she finishes that post…My sweet Noe who is all too quickly transforming into toddler hood. He smelled so sweetly. For once he actually let me hold him tight. Lately he has been so eager to be on the go that He doesn’t have much time for cuddling with mom any more. What a sweet moment when he laid his head on my chest and was just still.

So tonight I plan to emulate Noe’s calm surrender. “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” And I will cry. And I will let myself feel all of the feelings that I must.

You know what Mommies? Sometimes I am afraid to care for others. I am afraid to get emotionally involved. I am afraid to feel. What if it puts me over the edge? This has taught me to care. To try. This woman’s faith has encouraged me beyond belief. She is going through what must be such a difficult thing to go through. And yet she holds on. She is not all doom and gloom. She is SAD. And she is teaching me that there is a difference. She is sad. She is not despondent and without hope. Because she has a hope. And so do I.

You can read her story, and how she’s doing today at: http://miraculouschaos.blogspot.com/ or click on the button in my sidebar [Everyday Miracles].

I hope you are as blessed as I have been.

The last couple days it seemed that I was always running out of water.  I finally realized why my new water bottle seems smaller than the others.

There’s one thing you need to know. I have a manly box on the hubby’s night stand that he puts his pocket change into when he’s changing. And Megan discovered it. [Megan, who we've nicknamed the destroyer of worlds. Literally.] And since I can’t pick them up fast enough, I have given up let her play with them. And one thing about coins- they feel cold under the feet, an awfully lot like water.

So last night I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed; I hear something fall. I run to my room. My pretty cat is looking very guilty. My new water bottle is toppled onto my books. I dash in, pick it up. Run back to the bathroom. Grab towel. Cat cowers away. [smart kitty] Sop up the water. And I feel “coins” under my feet.

The case of the “small” water bottle is solved.  And I need to clean my bedroom carpet.  As interesting as this is, I still have 3/4 of a water bottle to clean up off my night table.  BUT, I can only find a small amount of it.  Somewhat surprising.  But it was time to go to bed. I’ll think about that tomorra.

THE RADIO STARTS BLARING.  Wha?!?! It is set to OFF. Not auto. Not on. Not snooze. Not sleep. OFF.

In an effort to kill fix it, I smash it on the night table a few times.

I find the missing water. Has anyone ever heard of an alarm clock holding water? By this time I’m laughing out loud.  And wet.

I fell asleep in anticipation of writing today’s post!

Wishing you a happy weekend,

Cathy