This morning I spent most of the morning ‘in the moment’ just enjoying my girls.  They are changing and growing so quickly.  Here’s what’s new:

It now breaks Megan’s heart and tortures her soul (and she verbalizes this quite well) when we don’t bend to her beck and call.  (Come to think of it, she’s always been the expressive type).  Haley’s really growing in her maturity.  She’s still so responsible and earnestly seeking to be a ‘good girl’.  We praise her endlessly, and yet it seems she still has so much hesitation about herself.  It breaks my heart, but we can only do what we can do.  So I put one foot in front of the other and keep learning and  trying to guide her well.

After school yesterday, Megan marches over to Haley, and in a very demanding fashion, points to the closed crayon box.  “OPEN!”

Haley, ever so calmly, replies, “If you don’t speak nicely to Haley, Haley’s not going to help you.”  And she goes back to her colouring!  (I have no idea where the calmness came from!)

And Megan has a loud aneurysm.  All her muscles stop working and her body becomes a remarkably small pile on the floor.  Voice box works fine though.  Lungs are good.  My hearing on the other hand…

And Haley just sits there remaining calm!  I was soooo proud of her!

Megan recovers from this insulting display of maturity on Haley’s part and tattles on her, “Haley said NO!!!  Waaa, waaa, waaa.”  Apparently this is news to me.  And I must do something to rectify the situation.

How she ever recovered from that to move on to another tragedy in half an hour is beyond me.  How I ever made it to supper time (when my personal hero comes home from work), is also completely beyond me.

Last night we were talking, and it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I need God’s help to get through the day.  My girls are so precious, and so often they are such a mystery to me.

This morning I’ve restricted my design time to approx. 1/2 hour, and spent the rest of the time interacting with the children.  Note - I did not say PLAYING with the children.  Me - I’m not a player.  Just not a fun mommy.  And I’m okay with that.  In fact, they are okay with that too. 

I pray most days that God would give me the “Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.“  And last night I was trying to accept things, although ’serene’ isn’t the word that comes to mind.  This morning, I knew that I would need God’s help to watch these two girls while Haley’s at school.  And I need divine intervention to have the courage to change my behavior - to stay present and interacting with them.  I prayed that prayer - give me courage to change! And I did the okay thing - I spent several hours with them this morning. No big deal, right?  WRONG.

God actually answered my prayer: I left my normal morning routine, and did the right thing.  For me, that is no small thing.  That is a God-thing.   And I know I would never have done that yesterday.  It is a God thing that I had enough courage to drag myself away from distraction and stay present in the moment.  I thank Him so much for giving me the courage to change today.

I am also thankful for this weakness of mine; I wouldn’t have recognized God’s hand in my morning if it wasn’t for my firm grasp on my weaknesses and the desperate situation that I am in.  In fact, before I became ill, (or self-aware as the case may be) I would attribute my good days to my good habits, my good upbringing, good character, and my honest hard work.  As I didn’t attribute being sick to God, I didn’t attribute the good things either.

I am so grateful that I don’t have to live my life in the hole that I’ve dug for myself.  Don’t get me wrong - I’m not just miraculously healed - but I can live above my stuff.  I can have contentment, and sometimes I really do!

I really, really need God in my life.  And the most amazing thing is that He’s okay with that.  He doesn’t mind being my Rescuer, my Rock, my Redeemer.

My dear, dear, Savior.  Thank you.

****UPDATE***** The blogging community is nicer than I thought! I posted this a couple days after I found out of Wendi’s loss. And some of her other blogging buddies created this sweet band from A March of Dimes. It is an organization that funds the research for preventing premature birth and miscarriages. If you are so inclined, you can head over there and make a little (or big) donation. Isn’t this just the greatest community of Moms?

My socks are just blessed right off right now!

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Dear Mommies who are reading this right now,

There is another of us, another Mommy, who I’ve spoken of before. Her button - [Everyday Miracles] is in my sidebar. She posts very honestly, sometimes it is raw and emotional. And sometimes it is shining like sunshine into my heart. I think it is in Timothy, in the Bible where it talks about women holding each other. Teaching each other. Mentoring. Sharing our faith. Being THERE. Now, I know this is bloggie world. And I’m just learning what that means to me exactly. On some levels I feel weird caring THIS much for a woman I’ve never met. On so many more levels, I feel so blessed to have known her even this little bit. I only know her from her posts. Those things she writes about. Those things she is willing to share with the public. Here’s an excerpt:

My fingers are shaking a bit as I begin what I know will be a hard post to write. Today in the very same ultra sound room where I found out all was not well with my first pregnancy I, once again, received news I didn’t want to hear.

This is how she finishes that post…My sweet Noe who is all too quickly transforming into toddler hood. He smelled so sweetly. For once he actually let me hold him tight. Lately he has been so eager to be on the go that He doesn’t have much time for cuddling with mom any more. What a sweet moment when he laid his head on my chest and was just still.

So tonight I plan to emulate Noe’s calm surrender. “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” And I will cry. And I will let myself feel all of the feelings that I must.

You know what Mommies? Sometimes I am afraid to care for others. I am afraid to get emotionally involved. I am afraid to feel. What if it puts me over the edge? This has taught me to care. To try. This woman’s faith has encouraged me beyond belief. She is going through what must be such a difficult thing to go through. And yet she holds on. She is not all doom and gloom. She is SAD. And she is teaching me that there is a difference. She is sad. She is not despondent and without hope. Because she has a hope. And so do I.

You can read her story, and how she’s doing today at: http://miraculouschaos.blogspot.com/ or click on the button in my sidebar [Everyday Miracles].

I hope you are as blessed as I have been.

The last couple days it seemed that I was always running out of water.  I finally realized why my new water bottle seems smaller than the others.

There’s one thing you need to know. I have a manly box on the hubby’s night stand that he puts his pocket change into when he’s changing. And Megan discovered it. [Megan, who we've nicknamed the destroyer of worlds. Literally.] And since I can’t pick them up fast enough, I have given up let her play with them. And one thing about coins- they feel cold under the feet, an awfully lot like water.

So last night I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed; I hear something fall. I run to my room. My pretty cat is looking very guilty. My new water bottle is toppled onto my books. I dash in, pick it up. Run back to the bathroom. Grab towel. Cat cowers away. [smart kitty] Sop up the water. And I feel “coins” under my feet.

The case of the “small” water bottle is solved.  And I need to clean my bedroom carpet.  As interesting as this is, I still have 3/4 of a water bottle to clean up off my night table.  BUT, I can only find a small amount of it.  Somewhat surprising.  But it was time to go to bed. I’ll think about that tomorra.

THE RADIO STARTS BLARING.  Wha?!?! It is set to OFF. Not auto. Not on. Not snooze. Not sleep. OFF.

In an effort to kill fix it, I smash it on the night table a few times.

I find the missing water. Has anyone ever heard of an alarm clock holding water? By this time I’m laughing out loud.  And wet.

I fell asleep in anticipation of writing today’s post!

Wishing you a happy weekend,

Cathy

Yesterday, I was up a little early. And I had time to breath before the girls woke up. I have a stack of really good books - ones on God’s love for me, Bible studies, women’s studies - lots of good stuff. But none of it is alive, active, sharper than a double edged sword, useful for teaching, encouraging, convicting. Those books just aren’t me sitting in God’s lap with his voice reading to ME. Just me. I needed God’s word. And I read Psalm 31, and the verses were good, and true. And God spoke to my heart. as he always does. I didn’t learn anything that was life-altering (that I’m aware of, anyway). But I was there. I was on his lap. He was reading to me. Peace. Belonging. Understanding. Those are the things I get from being in that place. And I can’t wait to get back there again today.

The girls are up. They are hungry. Things to attend to. And my Father is watching. He is here. He is waiting for us to spend some quality time together. I can’t wait!

I was inspired tonight to create a verse of comfort for a mom who has lost her pregnancy.  A little one whom she loved.