My Definition of Stay-At-Home Moms

I’ve been struggling with something for a couple years now(like 8), off and on: the lifestyle of a stay at home mom(SAHM). Like expected in my social circle, I quit my job to raise the children. Of course we ‘decided’ that one of us would raise the kids, if we had any. But really truly? It wasn’t really a decision. I just did what was expected of me.

Part of our decision to have children was that it was just the next thing people do in life. You know? We go to college, get married, have children. Just like that. Buy a house, minivan, and mow the lawn. My goodness! I might as well have donned the 1950’s apron too. I’m sure glad we did, but I wonder about my expectations.

At this time, it was just the fashion to have your panties in a knot about labeling Moms. There were no “I don’t work” Moms. Just work-at-home Moms. Well, not with jobs. With house and home and kids. So now there’s the stay-at-home Mom, and the work-at-home Mom. I’m in the Stay-at-home Mom category.

Anyhow, it was easy for me to stay at home. No alarm clocks. Just waking up every 2-3 hours for nursing in my pajamas. And then I could nap! And lay around all day. No long days working my brain off at an office. I could run to the store on a week DAY. And make dinner before 6PM. And join Mom programs and go to the library, and the gym. Whatever I wanted! No responsibility, angry clients, emotional challenges. Just infants. Feed them, diaper them, love them. The end. Nothing too dramatic. So to be unhappy with this at-home situation was just wrong.

How Wrong? My Mom-Friends wanted me to believe that it was the most “difficult job on earth”, yet it was easy compared to working full-time. Not that I could tell anyone that. But if it was easy, why wasn’t/aren’t I happier? So to add to my isolation from my hard-working-mom friends, me and my apparently lazy-ass-mom-style needed something to do.  So I tried:

• digging a new garden
• got a dog
• made jam
• learned to sew
• canned fruit
• froze vegetables
• painted the house, inside and out
• went for walks
• volunteered more time at church
• learned to cook gourmet meals
• started paper crafts hobby, perennial flower hobby, and decorating
• cleaned the bathroom, again

What if I’m not the home-maker type! I just was/am soooo bored with all this stuff.  Can it be that a FEMALE isn’t the home-maker type? Isn’t that the Biblical model?  Does this resound with any other Moms out there? Are some of us not made for this job?

Do we want the men to know?

If I complain about this stay-at-home plan, won’t the expectations increase? Why isn’t the house cleaner? Why aren’t the children in a million things? Why don’t I volunteer every day someplace different and become the middle class version of a socialite? The crazy thing is that even though I dismiss it, I want approval for this stay-at-home stuff. Did you know not one of my children appreciates my ability for reading legalese and interpreting it. No one respects my ability to write big huge checks. Well, not that I can anymore… but still. I’m important, damn it! My children recognize my importance when I, you know, well actually they don’t. If I left, they would. But of course, I don’t leave for any extended time! I DO love them!

This is where I would like to meet more Moms. Moms like me. The ones who don’t actually like this cleaning, childcare stuff. It is like the underworld of mothering. No one admits it because we are all trying to show the world how hard we work. ‘Cause there just ain’t no appreciation in this job. And unfortunately, all our fussing doesn’t change the following conversation:

Cathy… friend. Friend… Cathy. Nice to meet you. What do you do? STAY AT HOME. Oh.

I might as well have said that I’m a drug addict for the response that I get.

Eight years later, I’ve learned a few things.  I see mothering is a whole different world.  There are no expectations, demands, salaries, and titles.  But there are needs to a whole different degree.  Eternal needs.  And earth-shattering responsibility. Here’s my best analogy.

Let’s say there was a scientist.  And it was brought to him, a new assignment.  The first alien visitor to earth.  :)  Seriously, now.  An alien.  Doesn’t speak English.   It is our first contact with another life form from outer space. :D  The media would go crazy.  There would be reports on an on-going basis as to the care and progress of this being.  Was it ill?  Communicating?  Thriving?  What did it want?  What was its purpose?  Surely, it needs stuff to live - we’re not sure what.  Has a purpose - we just don’t know what it is.  May or may not live for a long time.  We don’t know its life span.  There would be teams of people looking after this thing.  These people would become media stars.  They would consider its physical health.  Psychologists would consider its mental and emotional health.  Therapists would be all over the place.  They would clean its environment.  Look after its feeding and eliminating habits.  Would it be an exciting job?  Yes, I suppose.  But it would be entirely yucky too - did you happen to think of alien excrement?

Doesn’t it sound familiar?  Just every day life - looking after little eternal children is not the esteemed job in our society: physicians, miracle-workers, clergy.  Yet the responsibility is un-matched.  The importance just can’t be overstated.  We can see these brand new unique beings grow and thrive, and take on the role that God has just for them.  Wow.

I have to go hug one now.

And it is the topic for Thankful Thursday this week. I have had a very bad day today. And I was skimming through some of my blogs in my reader. And saw this topic on Iris’s blog. I read one post so far (hers), and it blessed me.

I was expecting to find a whole lot of reminders (aka sermons) on how we NEED to trust. It is the Christian thing to do. The opposite of worry = trust in God. Yada, yada, yada. You could tell me the sky was falling, and I’d still respond, yada, yada, yada tonight. So here was the “sermon” from Iris,

Trust no one! Well, except the Lord and the ones that are very close to you or know you for a little while.

I really wavered between ‘Trust’ and ‘Gift’ for Thankful Thursday this week, but ‘Trust’ ‘won’…Again this week I was reminded that we really can trust only a handful people this side of heaven. There are a lot of mean-spirited people in this world. But I digress, so here is my thankful list for this week

I am so surprised.  There’s the hard truth of it:  people suck!  Okay - that is my particular interpretation.  We really do have our downfalls, and putting our trust into other human beings isn’t always a very wise choice.  See?  That’s what I said: people suck! So I need to remind myself of God’s goodness, and his constant’ness’ and his trustworthiness.  When I least feel like writing gratitudes is probably when I need them the most.

I am grateful today for a blogging friend of mine, who is taking chances on publishing me.  I am so grateful for everyone who leaves comments here.  Remember when - if you had friends - in elementary school, people left you notes?  Little crumpled up, twisted tiny little pea-sized notes?  That is what your comments mean to me.  It is an, “I thought of you today” note.  I read this or that is just icing on the cake.  The, “I thought of you.’ is what makes the difference.  :)  I’m very grateful.  Today, Wendi commented again!  So faithful a reader!  And I don’t think I’ve been there in days, possibly all week?  Anyhow… very grateful for her.

I am grateful today for my husband.  The dear man that struggles and toils to do well at his job, care for the people he influences, and remain true to his family.  The pull between being here with his girls, and doing a good job at work is tangible sometimes.  And it must be a great weight on him.  And I’m so thankful that I don’t bare that weight.  I am thankful that he cares about me.  And our girls.  He cares.  I can see that it tears him up inside sometimes, but no matter his struggle, he has been my faithful partner in life.

I am grateful for my medication.  I am grateful for the immediate relief that it gives me.  I am thankful for the doctors, nurses, and agencies that support and answer questions.  I am so grateful to live in Canada.

I am grateful for the time I have to learn and gain new skills.  I am so grateful for some patient and caring clients.

Oh, you know what else?  I went to lie down after supper tonight.  In all seriousness, the abuse that I took today as the mommy was overwhelming to me.  And I was at a very low point.  I was no longer the “Mommy”, I was just a woman who was allowing herself to be treated badly.  And I felt badly.  The tears were flowing.  And one by one, I could hear Daddy coaching them, they rushed into my room, threw their arms around my neck, told me, “Thank you for all you do” and “I love you.” and skipped away.  *tears*

My heart is so grateful.  Please go read more at Iris’s blog.  May your heart be blessed tonight as I have been.

Sometimes I melt into the couch and watch the kids playing.  Here’s a peek today:

From Megan,
She’s lifting a child’s chair over her shoulder and carrying it around.
“This is hard.  Where’s my daddy?” Why won’t anyone help me move this chair over there?  And over there?  And maybe over there too?  It MUST be done!!!

Earlier today, Mommy tried to put me to nap-nap today!  The nerve.  Oh, and on a side note, small pink flashlights fit nicely in the cat litter box.

“I am wet.  I need to wipe my bumbum.” And mommy thinks it is from the wading pool.

Notes we learned today from Emma,

The (toy)pig likes to eat african violet leaves.

Megan can tattle on me now for the headlock.  I have to find a new method of control.

Why won’t mommy let me wipe the dirt off on the shag area rug?

The cat comes right away!  I crinkle her treat bag, and she comes.  It works so well!  Mom, look at this!

All I have to say, is I’m so sorry, Kitty.  If you’ll just love my kids, I’ll make it up to you, I promise.

I wrote this for another venue.  And of course, it is on the I’m-the-old-mother-passing-down-wisdom side of things, but it is in my heart tonight.

Dear Mommies,

It is okay.   I’m not saying that it will be okay.  I’m saying that it is okay.  You’re the Mommy.  Baby is the baby.  Sometimes we don’t know what to do.  Sometimes we think we have all the answers.   It’s like being a teenager, again!  Never the less, there are two truths I want to share today, especially to the new Mommy.

1.        You are the Mommy.  Trust your instincts.

2.       Babies are resilient.  It’s okay.

I know that you’ve heard it before; but it bears repeating here.  Trust your instincts. In our North American society, we are trained and positioned to ignore our very basic instincts.  When we feel afraid of the dark parkade, we think we are being silly.  When there’s an uncomfortable tension between two friends, we think it must be us.  The point is that we have ignored our instincts for so long, that this may be an acquired skill.  Take this quick self-check.

Self-check: Are you hungry?  Are your clothes feeling soft or scratchy?  Are you feeling cool or warm right now?

Stay in tune with yourself.  And it will be much easier to stay in tune with your baby.

It is important to note here, that there are barriers to bonding with your new baby; a difficult birth, a complicated pregnancy, a significant life event.  All these things will affect the speed and strength of your bond.  And did you notice?  They are out of your control. It is okay.  You will bond.  Children love their parents.  And I believe that you love your baby.  And nothing can change that.  You don’t have to feel like it.  And it is okay. You will protect and care for your little bundle (of tears or regret) and it will be okay.  You will bond.  You will rise to the occasion.  And baby will be fine.  I know it.

Did you know that in some cultures after childbirth, the Mother isn’t to leave her bed for 41 days?  Not to shower, not to walk, nothing.  It is a big deal, this birthing thing.   Just because our culture doesn’t recognize it, doesn’t mean that it isn’t.  Period.  Childbirth is a big deal. And Mommy, you need to take care of yourself post-partum.  This is not one of those niceties:  if only my Mom lived closer.  No!  This is serious.  Your body knows it.  You know it.  I know it.  All of the Mommy Club members know this.  So please, dear Mommy, take care of yourself!

Megan with a piece of Styrofoam that became her “vacuum”.
Apparently, it doesn’t work so well.

And would y’all just take a moment to email my hubby about the NEED that I have for one of those drawing tablets.  The mouse just isn’t cutting it.