The Life & Times of a SAHMs (& an alien story too)

My Definition of Stay-At-Home Moms

I’ve been struggling with something for a couple years now(like 8), off and on: the lifestyle of a stay at home mom(SAHM). Like expected in my social circle, I quit my job to raise the children. Of course we ‘decided’ that one of us would raise the kids, if we had any. But really truly? It wasn’t really a decision. I just did what was expected of me.

Part of our decision to have children was that it was just the next thing people do in life. You know? We go to college, get married, have children. Just like that. Buy a house, minivan, and mow the lawn. My goodness! I might as well have donned the 1950’s apron too. I’m sure glad we did, but I wonder about my expectations.

At this time, it was just the fashion to have your panties in a knot about labeling Moms. There were no “I don’t work” Moms. Just work-at-home Moms. Well, not with jobs. With house and home and kids. So now there’s the stay-at-home Mom, and the work-at-home Mom. I’m in the Stay-at-home Mom category.

Anyhow, it was easy for me to stay at home. No alarm clocks. Just waking up every 2-3 hours for nursing in my pajamas. And then I could nap! And lay around all day. No long days working my brain off at an office. I could run to the store on a week DAY. And make dinner before 6PM. And join Mom programs and go to the library, and the gym. Whatever I wanted! No responsibility, angry clients, emotional challenges. Just infants. Feed them, diaper them, love them. The end. Nothing too dramatic. So to be unhappy with this at-home situation was just wrong.

How Wrong? My Mom-Friends wanted me to believe that it was the most “difficult job on earth”, yet it was easy compared to working full-time. Not that I could tell anyone that. But if it was easy, why wasn’t/aren’t I happier? So to add to my isolation from my hard-working-mom friends, me and my apparently lazy-ass-mom-style needed something to do.  So I tried:

• digging a new garden
• got a dog
• made jam
• learned to sew
• canned fruit
• froze vegetables
• painted the house, inside and out
• went for walks
• volunteered more time at church
• learned to cook gourmet meals
• started paper crafts hobby, perennial flower hobby, and decorating
• cleaned the bathroom, again

What if I’m not the home-maker type! I just was/am soooo bored with all this stuff.  Can it be that a FEMALE isn’t the home-maker type? Isn’t that the Biblical model?  Does this resound with any other Moms out there? Are some of us not made for this job?

Do we want the men to know?

If I complain about this stay-at-home plan, won’t the expectations increase? Why isn’t the house cleaner? Why aren’t the children in a million things? Why don’t I volunteer every day someplace different and become the middle class version of a socialite? The crazy thing is that even though I dismiss it, I want approval for this stay-at-home stuff. Did you know not one of my children appreciates my ability for reading legalese and interpreting it. No one respects my ability to write big huge checks. Well, not that I can anymore… but still. I’m important, damn it! My children recognize my importance when I, you know, well actually they don’t. If I left, they would. But of course, I don’t leave for any extended time! I DO love them!

This is where I would like to meet more Moms. Moms like me. The ones who don’t actually like this cleaning, childcare stuff. It is like the underworld of mothering. No one admits it because we are all trying to show the world how hard we work. ‘Cause there just ain’t no appreciation in this job. And unfortunately, all our fussing doesn’t change the following conversation:

Cathy… friend. Friend… Cathy. Nice to meet you. What do you do? STAY AT HOME. Oh.

I might as well have said that I’m a drug addict for the response that I get.

Eight years later, I’ve learned a few things.  I see mothering is a whole different world.  There are no expectations, demands, salaries, and titles.  But there are needs to a whole different degree.  Eternal needs.  And earth-shattering responsibility. Here’s my best analogy.

Let’s say there was a scientist.  And it was brought to him, a new assignment.  The first alien visitor to earth.  :)  Seriously, now.  An alien.  Doesn’t speak English.   It is our first contact with another life form from outer space. :D  The media would go crazy.  There would be reports on an on-going basis as to the care and progress of this being.  Was it ill?  Communicating?  Thriving?  What did it want?  What was its purpose?  Surely, it needs stuff to live - we’re not sure what.  Has a purpose - we just don’t know what it is.  May or may not live for a long time.  We don’t know its life span.  There would be teams of people looking after this thing.  These people would become media stars.  They would consider its physical health.  Psychologists would consider its mental and emotional health.  Therapists would be all over the place.  They would clean its environment.  Look after its feeding and eliminating habits.  Would it be an exciting job?  Yes, I suppose.  But it would be entirely yucky too - did you happen to think of alien excrement?

Doesn’t it sound familiar?  Just every day life - looking after little eternal children is not the esteemed job in our society: physicians, miracle-workers, clergy.  Yet the responsibility is un-matched.  The importance just can’t be overstated.  We can see these brand new unique beings grow and thrive, and take on the role that God has just for them.  Wow.

I have to go hug one now.